I have things to do today, seems like I am always adding to the list. Yesterday I helped a friend move some heavy machinery from one shop to another and today I will install a railing, the center section that I have finished. In the old days, the precancer days I would build all three railing sections at once and then install them together. I am slowing down and picking up speed at the same time. Two months ago I could not have done this job, too weak, too tired, too sick and done in. I can do it now even if I am cautious and do one at a time. Part of this is strength. These are heavy sections and I don't think I could install three in one day, so I don't even try. The other part is a lingering fear of what if I get it wrong? Self doubt is a horrible thing for well people. It is what stops artists cold in their tracts and prevents cities from being built, anything from being done. It is all part of this chemical cure; it is chemo-brain. The confusion with the cure.
Sometimes the simplest things become more difficult and we have to write everything down, make lists of things to do. Railings require a lot of math, angles and degrees, city codes to be aware of and design too right? We want them to look nice and be strong. What was second nature in figuring this all out becomes a task and all the little things that you never used to bother to write down become lost. It is so simple, like does the fork go to the right or left of the knife? With chemo you might have to think about that a lot, maybe even draw a picture of it, write it down. Remember the obvious. Pay your bills by the tenth and write that down too!
Anyway, my hands hurt a lot today. I don't have to write that down. It is just over stimulas. Too much touching. I live in my rabbit fur lined gloves and don't know what I would do without them. They are soft and protective and allow me to continue, do what I need to do.
On my other blog, HERE, I talk about my First Date!