Each Step is How I Got Here

With all these memories of my youth I have been accused of living in the past. Cancer gives us the concept of living at the moment and the ability to appreciate every single thing, the necessity of viewing life from a brighter side. We have plenty of dark moments, wondering what these aliens inside of us are doing. I always thought my preferred death would be a mishap with a cement truck. Suddenly lights out, here and then gone. I have changed my mind. Cancer is a relatively slow process and give you plenty of time to think. You are presented with the opportunity to examine your life, not just the "what did I do to get cancer" part but all of it.

What did I do to get to where I am at? Do you recall the saying, "no matter where you go, there you are!" Things happen in life, sometimes in just a moment, and they become the fabric of who you are. We are not made from one cloth.

Experiences become significant when you react to them and each one alters you in some in some tiny imperceptible manner. Or they don't. Or, like the frieght train they become an event in its singularity, by its very isolation, one single kiss that can change you forever.

Cancer is such a kiss but I think there are others. I am not living in the past. Time and ocean waves do not destroy every footprint in the sand. We are not lost. There are ways to discover how we got here, broken branches, breadcrumbs, songs, something. We have left behind a trail of evidence and that is all I am doing, trying to discover how I got to where I am, what turns I made, the roads I travelled, and why I am not just a grain of sand.

I learned as a Teacher

Teaching is in my blood. My father was a University Professor of History; I have always been surrounded with books. Bookcases were art and we had them everywhere, leaving little room for pictures hanging on a wall. I think I knew from the beginning that I would be a teacher.

To really understand this you need to know that I really hated school. I felt confined, restless and had so little in common with the other students. At seventeen, while supposed to be reading Jack Kerouac's "On the Road" I dropped out of High School and began my world adventures, traveling across Canada on a train to Montreal and then, finding my ship, I sailed away on the SS Ryndam to Rotterdam, Holland. I aimlessly traversed Europe with no place to be and no time to be there.

I did return about six months later and went on to college, but dropped out of there too at least three times before finishing my degree and getting a teaching certificate.

In teaching I learned to make lesson plans, set goals, and crowd control!!! You have to be a little bit of Bob Hope and a little like Hulk Hogan to be a good teacher. Why should they listen to you anyway? My goal was always to teach, I wanted the kids to learn. I always passed out the "Final" test on the first day, the actual real questions they would be asked three months later.

No trickery to my teaching, this was it, the end game. I never asked questions with a specific correct answer, always telling the students that that could be looked up in the library, and now

of course, on the net! I was after reasoning and support of arguments, taking a stance and defending it, and the skill of writing whole paragraphs on one subject. I was after intellectual growth and I mostly got it. I think to this day that you get out what you want of life, set a goal

and make a plan and it will happen.

My teaching career was short lived, we have had earlier recessions, so with three years experience I was laid off with 35 other teachers and had to find a job. I could have moved, maybe should have. Texas was hiring teachers and Los Angelas, but I had just bought a house, a "fixer-upper" and had planted a garden! I have been in all 50 States, went to Europe several times and now I was a "homebody"! I liked where I was and needed to find out how to stay there. I needed a job!

I will backtrack tomorrow and tell you how I met my wife!!!

My Other Blog is HERE.

Writing this Blog

Writing is like mining, digging into a bottomless reservoir of lost images, near fatal escapes,
grasping in the darkness and hoping to find a shovel full of valuable words. My goal remains steadfast in wanting to know how did I get to where I am, not just with the cancer thing, but everything, that is what I am really doing in these two blogs. It is an opportunity at self discovery and I find the task daunting. It is not all of anything, a little dark and a little light, roads trampled, roads built for sure, areas of fear, great bouts of laughter and silliness, places where I could have and areas where I didn't. I have explored and created, loved passionatly and cried.
The slow process of cancer and recuperation from its voodoo cures allows plenty of time for
reflection. How did I get from "A" to "B", from that point when I was an idealistic youth, churning out poetry as if I were making peanut butter sandwiches, travelling the world at the drop of a hat, to any other point along the way and to where I am now?
It is like finding a painting and knowing it is seven layers deep. I carefully chissel off a layer, discovering texture, color and design not seen, not understood. There are layers and layers to go. The way I remember it makes a disorganized story, jumping thoughts, dreams within dreams, but I know the end or at least the now.
I will continue this thought for while.

RUSSIA?

I admit I am one of those Bloggers who look at the statistics. I need at least one other person reading this or there is no reason to publish it. I could just hit the "save" button and keep it for myself. There aren't too many people writing about Cancer on these blogs and I am trying to remove the generic from this experience. Its my cancer, my voodoo doctors, my experience, my battle and my survival. This is the way I did it. I'll try that LINK again! IF this works it will take you to another blog where I describe all this in real time as it was happening to me. It is over now, a war fought well.
The statistics are pretty cool actually and very detailed. Someone from Russia is looking at my writings! How cool is that! In 1958 as a child in elementary school we had drills and had to hide under our desks, a feeble attempt at survival in the event of a nuclear war! Now they read our blogs and we theirs! That is how friends are made.
This statistical map turns green when there is activity from a particular country and with more activity the darker the green; no activity and it remains white. We get to know who is looking at us and when they are not. This would all be an easier experience if we got into the habit of leaving comments then we would know what is interesting and what is not.